Hi, folks; thanks for joining us here in the great state of Hawaii for our rally ahead of the upcoming elections. Tell me again: Who do you love? That’s right, Democrats! The Party of the People! Let’s give it up for Bo Diddley, shall we? He came out of retirement just do this campaign kickstarter.
What’s that? Bo died in 2008? Heh; well, you know I was pretty busy that year. What? Oh, Axelrod’s telling me that Rahm resurrected him. Well, hmmm; he always said not to let a good corpse go to waste, didn’t he?
Oh: Plouffe’s offstage yelling ‘crisis!’; that was Rahm’s thing. Oh, sorry, Rahm, but thanks. It’s great to see Bo. In fact, I named The first First Dog after him, heh.
Now…now…you know that I told you a couple weeks ago that year six of my Presidency will be largely about income inequality in the great nation of ours, and so will the Democratic Leadership’s, which is why I invited them to come here today to speak to you. We might take a few whacks at climate change, too. I’m scheduled to meet with some of the leaders in energy industry next month, and see what we can come up with while we drink a few beers, share a few noshes, and see what they’ll give us.
But I wanted to let you know that while some of you are still feeling some financial pain, the future is looking brighter than you know. Homeless numbers are down, especially among veterans due to my help. There are fewer folks living in shelters now, and it’s a good thing that they’re not living on the street, where conditions are very rough now, from what I’ve heard. But never fear, the head of my Economic Council Gene Sperling is on the case!
I’ve gotten word that Senator Darrell Issa may be on board to restore the cuts to military pensions, and we’ll try like hell not to accept it as conditional on cutting Saturday delivery by the Post Office. Unemployment rates are also down, and almost everywhere I go folks thank me for that. Many even report that they’re working two or three of them, and that soon they may be signing up for ObombaCare. And that’s a good thing. Now, now: hold your applause.
I’d planned to introduce Senator Jack Reed to you, but he had trouble rescheduling his tee time here at the Marine Corps base course. Heh, speaking of which, I had a great outing yesterday on the course with my good friend New Zealand Prime Minister John Key; man, he just killed me on that number 2 hole with the dogleg.
Anyway, Jack Reed wanted me to tell you about the bill he and Republican Bill Keller will introduce and fast-track on Monday…no…maybe Wednesday. First up is confirming Janet Yellen as Fed Chair. No, no; hold your applause, please. Thanks. In a bipartisan effort, they are calling for a three month extension of unemployment benefits for the 1.3 million affected by the cut-off date this week. Jack says that lots of the 49,000 affected in Rhode Island were hard-working managers, dammit, that they by golly are due some benefits, and that his bill will ease their mental torment.
And now I’d like to introduce Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid from the great state of Nevada to let you know where the Democratic Party is heading in 2014. Harry?
Thank you, Mr. President, and hello everyone; I’m Harry Reid. It’s great that you could join us here today to enjoy this fine island, and partake of our little festival. Don’t you think ‘Who Do You Love’ is a great theme song for the coming campaign? You know that the Democrats will always have your back. And the nice thing about it is it’s not only due to our great compassion, but the fact that for instance, extending unemployment compensation is just plain good sense, since the multiplier effect is said to be so great, and that just this extension will lead to a couple hundred thousand new jobs, since these folks will be spending it all as soon as they get their checks on groceries, rent, utilities, maybe even an ObombaCare policy. Demand equals…new jobs, of course.
Now the President mentioned that Janet Yellen will be confirmed at the first of the week, and we have every confidence that she will keep her word to us and provide more stimulus to the economy, which will also create more new jobs. And we have a few plans of our own, but they’re secret plans, and you’ll have to wait for the surprise we have in store for you.
Our party has figured out from recent polling that income inequality and a rise in the minimum wage might well be a winner for us in the next cycle, so we’re willing to go out on a limb on those issues for you. Over my life in the Senate, I’ve come to value pragmatism combined with fairness, and that’s what we have in mind for 2014.
Now it’s not clear that the Reed/Heller bill has much Republican support in the house…yet. But we have one weapon that may just turn the tide: the House Minority Whip, Steny Hoyer. By the way, we have the lovely Nancy Pelosi to thank for securing that job for him; hee hee. And Steny has told us that indeed, he will whip it! He couldn’t be here with us today; I think I heard that he has a cold. Um…I’m not quite sure about this, but…
Are those fine lads ready back there? Okay, without further ado, for the great Representative Hoyer we bring you….er…Devo?:
Hi, folks. I’m Gene Sperling, and as the President indicated, our Council has some great ideas for joblessness, and we’ll be letting the President in on some of them soon. We’ll continue with our “Road Map to Renewal”, and will add a few things as well. but in the meantime, any of you out there in America who are able-bodied, not on drugs, and true patriots, let me bring in the Silhouettes from the good old days to advise you. Please look up at the giant screen over the stage now; we borrowed it from the Marines’ Officers Club. Thank you, Happy New Year to you; and god bless America!
(cross-posted at My.Firedoglake.com)